Mama Byrd

Well, if you ever wanted to know what a soccer mom looks like, check out the picture on my profile. I’m not only a soccer mom, I’m also a coach for my daughter’s under 6 soccer team. That’s right, all of the kids are under six. You can imagine.

I’ve compiled a list of things overheard in the last several weeks of spending two and a half hours each Saturday morning at the soccer field.

• Yes, we will play in the rain. Unless we hear thunder or see lightening. Yes, you might get your hair wet.
• Elizabeth, put down your apple before you come back into the game.
• Since you’re taking your daughter to the port-a-potty anyway, would you mind taking my three-year-old with you? She’s almost completely potty-trained.
• Elizabeth, stop poking the lady with your umbrella.
• Driving three miles per hour down the dirt road won’t keep your Lexus SUV clean.
• I know it’s cold, but if you stand completely still in the middle of the field with your hands over your ears, you won’t be able to follow the ball.
• Elizabeth, put down the granola bar before you come back into the game.
• Hi. I’m Elizabeth’s mom. I’m your coach, and I don’t know what any of the rules are.
• We only have three of our players here at game time. Would you mind if I keep changing the number of players on the field and the number of minutes that we play per quarter? I will do it anyway without telling you, probably.
• Do you think you can manage to play an entire quarter without stopping for another snack break? It’s only eight minutes.
• One of your players had a hand ball when the ball was in the goal. I think that we are supposed to have a free kick. That means that all of your players have to leave the field while this boy tries to kick it into the goal as many times as he can until he makes a goal. It won’t take more than three or four times, probably.
• Mommy, stop breastfeeding Phillip under that blanket and take me to the POT-TEEE!
• We don’t have a coordinator for the entire youth soccer league. Since you agreed to coach without knowing any of the rules, I thought that you might agree to do it. It won’t take more than six or seven hours a week, probably.
• How did we manage to bring seven water bottles home from the field when we only brought two?
• Mommy, you’re a great mommy and a good worker. But you’re a bad coach.

Filed under: Uncategorized on March 18th, 2006